i've got a feeling [hoo hoo] that this is going to be a long & opinionated journal. ready?
because i sure as hell ain't.


'kay. well first things first, my cardiac specialist appointment is on Wednesday.
and my mom scheduled it at the local hospital, & not the more like.. advanced one in Chicago.
her mom died at that hospital for a blood clot to the heart; caused from lack of treatment from their staff.
and now i literally have my heart in their hands.
i am completely confused.
on top of that, my mom gave off this attitude because i told her my dad wanted to be there. she doesn't even want him there. really? you can't spend a few hours with him? it makes me sick.
then she complains about taking work off to see me; when my dad is willing to drop anything to be there.
i vote for his idea.

second. i laugh & repeat racist jokes. it doesn't make me a bad person. it doesn't make me a racist. it makes me ignorant and immature, yes. but i have offically narrowed the line to jewish jokes. i can't even say 'jews' anymore. if you're asking 'why?' which i know most of you are [/sarcasm], my eyes have been opened. in English, we were required to read the novel Night by Elie Wiesel. it's a story of Elie and his father, mother, & sisters that start off in a ghetto, and tells the travels of Elie and his father throughout the various concentration camps. all of this was true events. he was seperated from his mother & sisters. and the rest.. it's.. amazing. simply a work of art in the aspects of getting you into their shoes. i felt so much differently after finishing that book; & i'll go as far as saying i was actually nice to the freshmen in band all this week. i don't believe i can ever be mean again. to anyone. i feel instantly guilty. anyhoo, read Night. it was the novel that helped Elie Wiesel win a Nobel Peace Prize.

thirdly. i'm nervous about so many things right now. which is odd, figuring i rarely feel nervous. to quickly let it out i'm worried about: not making it into the city this weekend, boy problems (as expected), band seminar application, tri-m honor application, my grades, if i can do musical or not, & that's about it.

one last thought. i've also noticed this week how clingy i've been. i'm not apologizing. it's the way i am. don't like it? suck it sideways, i need to be appreciated.